IDENTITY QUEST or THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THINGS STAY THE SAME

I've been journaling for decades and earlier today I was browsing through some of my journals from the early 1990's. At that time in my life, I realized - with great anguish - that I had not been living authentically. As I entered my thirties, I realized that in my efforts to "do the right thing" and "be an adult," I had established a pattern of beliefs and behaviors that were not natural to me and therefore not authentic. So I began a quest to discover who I really was.

At first, I was confused. It seemed there were many discrepancies, conflicts, and apparent paradoxical aspects to my personality. There were parts of me that appeared relatively conservative, especially as a stay-at-home mom; and there were parts of me that were very progressive and unorthodox, like admitting my bisexuality, taking an interest in neopagan religions, and my newly emerging feminist viewpoints.

In the early nineties, I was just coming to terms with my sexuality and admitting, first to myself, and then to others, that I am attracted to women. At first, I said I was a lesbian, but now I realize I am bisexual. It was a huge part of my identity that I had ignored, denied, and shoved deep into the basement of my soul. Admitting being bisexual was a huge step toward self-actualization; but there was so much more to do.

Now, nearly 20 years later, I am still on my identity quest. Does it ever end, really? If we are all constantly growing and changing, then our quest toward knowing ourselves never really ends. But because I had kept my truest nature sublimated, I had to start from scratch. And in fact, The Counseling Dictionary (Gladding, 2006) says that self-actualization is a "constant striving and need" that we all have to "grow and realize their full potential" and to be "autonomous and healthy." Constant.

A work-in-progress, I am. We all are, though I often feel like I am the only one. And, just as I realized when I reached my thirties, I am multi-faceted with inconsistencies and paradoxical natures. At times, these incongruencies make me feel unstable, wishy-washy, and perhaps even somewhat schizophrenic. But then I remind myself that I am not a cardboard cut-out, a robot, or just a literary character; I am a human being and I am entitled to my own personal discrepancies.

So while I was somewhat discouraged and alarmed to find that even though twenty years have passed since I first began my identity quest, and that as I approach fifty I am still introspecting about who I really am, I must remind myself to take comfort in knowing that Abraham Maslow would be proud with my endurance and continual reflection and search for my truest nature - and my willingness to self-actualize!