EMPTY

Tonight I'm feeling sad, frustrated, angry, and stuck. I feel empty and tired of Life's constant assault. I take responsibility for my part; I know I have never really gotten into the Driver's Seat of My Life, and that is why I am always at the mercy of others. I accept that. But even so, I feel so used up, so tired, so empty.

I love my tribe. I really do. But in spite of my love for everyone I am tapped. I crave only solitude. It is the only time I am at peace. And I feel like I am living on borrowed time. The end could come at any moment. I realize that. I realize how fragile my life is and how I am at the mercy of others. I'm trying though, as quickly as I can, to take the reigns. But even so, there are limitations; I can't go any quicker than life will allow.

Like I said, I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. No surprise there. And I'm frustrated...about so many things, but mostly about Life in general. I'm frustrated that I grew up in a world that no longer exists. I'm frustrated that I made self-destructive choices in my life and that for so many decades it has been just about simple survival. I am angry; I am angry that I do not have the freedom to be me and that no matter what I do, there is always someone who feels they have the right to critisize and editorialize about who I am. Is it any wonder then that I am so solitary?? And I feel stuck. The foundation that I have created does not readily allow me to be more than a passenger in the life of others. My fault. I know. Just, let me out here. No need to go any further. I'll walk, thank you very much.

Like I said, I realize I've forged my own life. I can't blame anyone but myself. But I'm tired now. Losing Christina seems like such a pivotal point for me. I am struggling with my sadness, trying to sort it all out: the grief, the guilt, the sadness, the pain, the consequences. I'm even looking for the silver lining in an effort to turn something really, really bad into something with the potential to be really, really good. I see it, but can I reach it? Can I make things work long enough to get me through??

And then there's all the regrets. Can't change a thing. But I can be vocal, stubborn, and bitchy, stating my point of view regardless. But when I do that...when I am authentically me...I put myself in a precarious position. I risk it all. So for now, once again, I must do what I must do to keep me afloat. Survival. Suck it up. Do what it takes. Just a little longer. I'm so close.

But in the meanwhile, as I struggle to reach those goals of self-sufficiency, I am empty. Worse than empty, now that Christina did what she did. I am functioning on a deficit. Or not functioning. Not really sure. People ask me how I'm doing...and I'm never quite sure. Of course, it's just a polite question...it's not like they really want to know! Still, it gets me thinking. I find myself asking myself, "How AM I doing?" I tell others I am doing well, all things considered; but in truth, I am broken, confused, heartsick, aching, and done. So very done. I feel like a wounded animal searching for a secluded place to nurse my wounds. But really, I am more like a trapped animal, subjected to the Alpha Males of the world. I must submit...for now. I must relinquish, for now. I must grin and bear it, for now. I must.

And so I grab hold of whatever I can, to stabilize, to maintain my balance, to keep myself from going under. And I gasp for air, hold my breath, and hope I can make it until I reach the surface once more. In fact, at this point, I just hope I CAN reach the surface in time.