SO NOW WHAT?

So, now what do I do? Now that I can look back at my life with clarity, wisdom, insight, and mature judgement, what do I do with the fallout of misguided, dysfunctional, irrational choices that have reverberated across generations and infected, disabled, wounded, and stigmatized my very own children?? How do I make up for the mistakes that have been made? How can I prevent them from repeating my errors when in fact, a few of them are already well on their way in recreating the dysfunctions they grew up with and are adeptly passing those same errors along to their own children?

I realize that I am not the first to witness generational cycles of dysfunction; and certainly, mine came from somewhere! Do I simply wash my hands of all responsibility, now that each of my six children are of legal age and beyond? Do I shrug my shoulders and claim that we all have our own paths to walk, lessons to learn, and problems to solve and decide to let my children just "deal" with what they've inherited? Besides, how long am I supposed to tend to their hurts, their mistakes, and their pain? And yet, when I see them struggling as a direct result of the mistakes I made as a parent, whether directly or indirectly, I feel obliged to assist.

As I see the story of my life-choices unfold, that some of those choices have negatively effected me is simply a universal law of reaping what we have sown; but to see my choices harm my children even into their adult years is an unbearable pain for me and it triggers even more regrets. So now, what??

As the regrets pile up, the solutions seem so far out of reach. While it is true that my horizon looks bright and promising, will it come to pass soon enough? Currently, I am in no position to truly help them because I am still struggling with gaining self-suffiency and independence. Once achieved, will it be too late??

I worry about my twenty-five year old son, for example. He has no high school diploma, a limited work history, and discovered he is the victim of identity theft - something that occured when he was still a young adolescent, but didn't realize until he was of legal age. He's trying so hard to get on his own two feet, but when you are in the depths of poverty, one step forward is almost always followed by two steps back. In fact, none of my six children are truly independent or self-sufficient. Whether dependent as housewives, or living at home, or struggling to survive and making it only with the daily help of boyfriends and parents or inlaws, each one of my children struggles to stand on their own. I accept the blame. I realize I did not do nearly enough to get them established. Of course, not me alone; their father had a huge role in their upbringing too. But the errors he made, I allowed. I did not stand up for my children's best interest and now they pay the price.

So now what?? All I can really do is take it day-by-day and continue to help them, guide them, and point them in the direction that will best help them overcome their inherited burdens. But while doing all that, I often feel guilty, remorseful, sad, disappointed, and overwhelmed with worry. And sometimes, I even feel a sense of shock and disbelief that I fell so short of my own personal goals as a parent and allowed my dysfunctional marriage relationship to take precedence over everything else, including my children...and I wonder if I can ever forgive myself for that.