BITTER THOUGHTS

Although my intention was to write something happy tonite, I am plagued with bitter, jaded thoughts about the twisted irony of Life. Of course, I realize I am not the first - nor will I be the last - to make these realizations. But yet, here I am, feeling that life is unfair. I remember hearing, when I was much younger, that "youth is wasted on the young," and it seemed trite. But now? Now it is painfully apparent why this sentiment is so very true. It seems totally unfair and twisted that we gain wisdom with age. And then what? We die! What a waste!

In my youth, I made choices out of ignorance that laid a foundation for the rest of my life. Now, as I approach my 50th birthday, I realize that, had I only known then what I know now, my life could've been so much better! But now, it is virtually too late, and it is my children who will pay the price for my youthful ignorance.

If only I had known then what I know now! When I was younger - in my 20's - all I knew is that I wanted children. But what I DIDN'T know is how I would feel about them once they were grown and once I discovered who they actually are!

Knowing what I know now, I would have built my life so differently. I would've invested in rural, wooded property that would be large enough to build small, very modest and unique homes for each of my children. I envision the homes laid in a circular arrangement, all facing in toward the center of the circle. The circle would contain a playground for grandchildren and a firepit for late night gatherings, weather permitting. Behind each home would be a garden - because we would all know how to garden. In doing this, I would have been able to provide a home for each of my children - affording each one privacy and self-sufficiency, yet a connection with family.

Then there is education. While I am still not opposed to homeschooling, I think I would've instead ensured that we lived in a good school district and I would've put a lot more emphasis on vocational assessment and training. In fact, it would've been a major theme of their childhood years: discovering each of their unique talents and interests, and then guiding them in that direction.

But a lot of good those realizations do me now. My children are grown and struggling with self-sufficiency. I take the responsibility for that; I failed to adequately prepare them for adulthood. I blame myself and their father, but can only address my own part in this failure. Why didn't I insist on more for them? Why was I so distracted by the short-term goals that the long term goals were overlooked? I am forever indebted to them.

Yeah, I'm feeling bitter. My anger is directed inward for my errrors, but also outward, toward life in general. How was I to know?? It seems like each generation must reinvent the wheel in discovering who they are and collecting the wisdom that comes with age. Some say we must share our life wisdom with the younger generation; but they don't want it (or comprehend it) any more than I did when I was young. So, each generation is left to discover it all on their own and, like me, by the time they acquire it, mistakes will be made and erroneous foundations will be laid.

And that really pisses me off.