WHERE HAS IT GONE?

Since losing Christina, I have been thinking about how I wish I had spiritual beliefs that I accepted an undeniable fact. How much better I would feel if I could only believe that Christina still existed, residing forever in Heavenly bliss, awaiting the eventual arrival of the rest of us and that joyous moment of reuniting with her. But that is not what I believe. I wish I could; but I cannot, for there is no proof. It would require that leap of faith - which I do not have.

I have also been thinking about all the things that, prior to losing Christina, I once believed but which no longer offer me any consolation or relief from the incessant grief. Prior to her suicide, Nature provided the foundation for my spirituality. I suppose it still does, at some level. The concept of the Wheel of the Year, based on the agricultural life cycle, offered a tangible example of Life in general. There is birth, life, death, and then rebirth. Living next to a cornfield offered me visual proof of this cycle and its repetition gave me a sense of comfort; it appeared as if life goes on indefinitely.

Then there was the inspiration I felt from the Maiden-Mother-Crone archetypes. Again, this mythic example provided me with a clear sense of what to expect from life. I was once the Maiden, full of youthful potential and physical perfection. Then, the Mother, fertile, productive, nurturing, and active. Now, as I move into the Crone stage, I have increased in wisdom and like the Sage or Hermit, am reaching both physical and spiritual maturity.

But where does suicide fit in with these mythological analogies?? In Nature, I do not see mental illness and self-destruction. Yes, Nature destroys itself via tornadoes, floods, earthquakes and forest fires and in the wake of natural destruction come new life in abundance. But does that analogy transfer? Does it apply?? Christina was precariously perched between Maidenhood and Motherhood. By self-destruction, will she leave enriched and fertile ground for exceptional growth and restoration?? I will probably only know for sure retrospectivly. In the meanwhile, I am offered no comfort, spiritually.

I wish I could locate something inspirational to help me cope with her suicide: a myth, an analogy, anything that would give me the hope and even the belief that perhaps she is not just gone but transformed. I want to believe that she still exists, somewhere. I want to trust that she is experiencing wholeness and restoration along with freedom from the pain she struggled with here with us. But because it is all so subjective and unprovable, I am left with doubts. I wish. I wish I could simply take that leap of faith and believe. I wish I was afforded that comfort. I wish I knew for certain, but know that is not an option.

So where has it gone? My spiritual references have helped me though so much and guided me through personal development, self acceptance, and even toward self-actualization; but with THIS particular Life Struggle, it is curiously absent. I am left with nothing. And I wonder why.