EMOTIONAL PAIN

I guess it has been quite a while since I've felt like this. I chastise myself for not being more grateful and not more aware of my general happiness these past few years. I haven't felt emotional pain like this since Christina was incarcerated.

Today, Christina took the kids and left for Texas. I know. I know. Kids are supposed to leave the nest. And it is no secret that I've longed for the day that they would do just that. But not like this. Not so far away. And most of all, not taking the kids without Brian. Ada in particular will be crushed, devasted, and lost without her daddy.

If I could know that the kids would have a relatively easy adjustment, I would miss them, but could rejoice in their new life-path. But this? This fills me with worry, anxiety, dread, and deep concern and empathy for my grandchildren. In fact, most of my sadness is on their behalf. I carry the burden of the pain they are approaching. To a three- and five-year old, "going to Texas" sounds like an adventure, like "going to the mall," or "going to the museum." They have no concept of the distance, the time, and the relative permanancy of this move. And so, on their behalf, I shed tears and feel the pain of separation anxiety, longing for that which is familiar, and the aching loss of not having Brian in their daily life. For them, I ache.

Then there is the underlying anger: Why did Brian allow this to happen?? Why did he sign the forms giving Christina permission to take the kids across state lines? And above all, why weren't they both planning for this eventual moment when Damien would be ready to start school?? They knew from the day they brought him into this world that they would have five years to get on their feet and move into a safe neighborhood. But they allowed their selfish youth to stand in the way of their parental responsibilities. Surely this must be my karmic debt for my own youthful errors as a parent. Is this what my mom felt??

A storm is moving in. Good. I hope it clears the air. The emotional pain I feel right now is immobilizing pain. It has kept me from doing much of anything other than ruminating and noticing the blaring silence in the house. Their little ghosts are everywhere: Ada's pajamas lying on the floor; Damien's toys here and there; the empty bedrooms; their dirty cups from this morning still in the sink waiting to be washed one last time...

And yet, I must remind myself that many mothers and grandmothers have suffered even greater loss and pain and there are those who would gladly trade their calamity for mine. Put it in perspective, I remind myself. Yet, it doesn't matter to me at this moment what others are experiencing; just knowing the pain that awaits MY grandchildren is all I can comprehend right now.

I realize childhood is perilous and it is a wonder any of us survive. No matter. I want to spare them of the inevitable pain. They've had enough already when their mom was incarcerated. The longing for a missing parent; now they must experience that all over again, this time for daddy. So unfair. Why don't parents consider the children?? Why do parents minimize the trauma??

Bring on the storms. I hope the wind rips through here, clearing the air and takes the pain right along with it.