I was recently asked what stage of life I feel like I am currently in, and I responded by saying that I feel like I am in the "Where Is That Empty Nest I Was Promised" Stage. Yet, upon further contemplation, it occurred to me that while I was studying Lifespan Development, I identified with Erik Erikson's 2 final stages of development, even though I'm not quite old enough to be in his final stage.
As a refresher, Erikson's seventh stage - Generativity vs. Stagnation - is generally experienced at some point between the ages of twenty-five and sixty-four. If I felt like I had been a success in my life, I would have developed generativity and would be concerned with the next generation; I would've established the virtue of care. But instead, I feel like I instead developed stagnation.
Then, Erikson's eighth and final stage is Ego Integrity vs. Despair and generally applies to people aged sixty-five and older. I also identify with this stage. I feel like I am already facing the end of my life and am quickly running out of time to accomplish my goals. Instead of developing a sense of wisdom, I feel despair. I am playing Beat-the-Clock, trying desperately to be successful at something.
I wondered why this might be. Why would I be so reclusive, selfish, and self-absorbed? But then it seemed so obvious: When I review my life, it seems I lived through more Life Experiences from my teen years into my forties (when I first became reclusive and self-absorbed) than most people do in a single lifetime. Think about it: being molested at eleven, pregnant at fifteen, divorced by eighteen, remarried by twenty-one. Then, during my childbearing years, being Earth Mama, and then converting to Christian Fundamentalism; then leaving Fundamentalism and recovering my self through introspection, coming out of the closet as being bisexual, and returning to school. Then there was the struggle with a bad marriage, home schooling, and children about to come of age. We lost the house, and my marriage ended. Then I met Jim, got in the car accident, and nearly lost my life. And now, here I am, racing against Time to become a counselor. And of course, losing Christina last year, leaving me forever changed. Okay, so that's more living than most people experience in two lifetimes. So is it any wonder then, that I would most identify with Erikson's final two stages of Life?
Looking at my life through Erikson-lenses tells me that I will absolutely HAVE to accomplish my goal of becoming a licensed counselor and then succeed in my profession for at least ten years to properly resolve the Eriksonian conflict I currently feel. I think it is possible; I hope it is likely. Getting both of my books published before I die would be icing on the cake.
And I am reminded of the Little Engine That Could: "I THINK I can...I THINK I can...I THINK I can..."
