LIVIN' ON THE EDGE

After what happened in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, December 14, 2012, I believe we are livin' on the edge. Change is inevitable; our nation has been shaken - but will we wake up? It seems to me we will go in either of two possible directions.

If we are smart and begin to apply all that we know, we will make two critical changes. First, we will begin to educate the public about mental health and mental illness and we will begin to educate the public about warning signs that indicate potential mental health emergencies. We will speak boldly about the often preventable causes of mental illness and we will stop creating the situations that cause extreme psychological unhappiness. That means we will no longer value and glamorize violence. Hurtful behavior will be defined and will be heavily frowned upon. Mental health services will become more readily available. Emergency mental health centers will be available in all communities, just as medical emergency rooms are readily available. And we will use these services as a gateway to recovery and health.

If we are smart, we will finally begin to strictly regulate weapons, but we will also downplay their appeal. Firearms will be associated with old, outdated, less-educated perspectives. We will pride ourselves on our progressive, educated, and peace-loving values, rather than our ability to inflict carnage. We will value safety, happiness, peace, and the ability to get along. Instead of looking out for number one, we will value the integrity of the community. Prisons will not be used to warehouse the mentally ill. Prisons will be use to rehabilitate those who are salvageable, leaving only the most severely damaged and irreparable individuals to be kept separate.

But my fear is that we will take the other direction. My fear is that we as a nation still value the Wild West mindset and disregard all that we have learned about human development. My fear is that rather than strive toward rational living, we will instead create locked and gated schools and communities and will consider arming everyone so that those with the biggest weapons and the most artillery will reign supreme. Strength and domination will be more valued than intelligent humanity.

So we are at a crossroads, it seems. Will we be smart enough to walk away from the old, outdated, inferior ways of the past, and return to an age of Darkness? Or will we finally begin to take a step into a new way, a better way, a more peaceful, loving and humane way? Will we gather the courage to lead the world toward a more intelligible way of life and make history? Or will the history we create involved more episodes of unspeakable violence against innocent people and children?

Twenty children died Friday and many more witnessed what no one should ever have to see. How are we, as Americans, any better than other countries in the world that we criticize when events like what happened in Connecticut happen simply because we have created an environment that values violence and that chooses to remain uninformed about the causes and treatments for mental illnesses? How dare we think ourselves to be superior when in fact, our culture is becoming more barbaric every day? We have the power to draw the line and collectively shout out "enough" - and then set about creating and valuing something so much better.

So I propose this: America, what do we want? What kind of world do we want to create for our children? And then, how do we set about putting those ideals into actual practice. We CAN do it. We can lead the way and rise above this outdated system that overlooks our poor, that ignores all we have learned, and that continues to value violence over compassion and we can instead begin to value compassion, unity, education, and strong communities. We can begin to value both physical and mental health. And most of all, we can walk away from what no longer serves us. It is, after all, the 21st century.

EXISTENTIAL ANGST

I really thought I was done with the existential issues that we all wrestle with. As I approached my forties, I felt comfortable with mortality. I did not fear death - just a premature or traumatic death. I viewed death as a magical mystery that we all must fact, and felt comfortable knowing that someday, I would be...finished.

Now, not so much. In fact, when Christina left, I feel like she took my magical view of Life with her. Suddenly, the magic was gone and I was left with a fear of death. Now, I fear my own death, and I fear everyone else's death too. I fear it and I am angered by it. I resent mortality. One lifetime is not nearly long enough, and death is so final, so absolute, and so...unpredictable. There is no way to know when it will arrive. And worst of all, there is no way to confirm what happens...after.

It took so long after Christina died to fully comprehend that she would not be coming back. Even now, it doesn't seem quite real. And I find myself wondering where she is...IF she is. And I think of my grandmother - and how the untimely death of her mother kept her grieving her whole life. I understand now how a tragic death can cause a person to be forever changed. Like a pedal note, the pain lingers...

I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't contemplate my own mortality. I wonder, with much sadness and anxiety, what will become of my belonging or how my children will cope without me. I think about my mom, as I see her aging, and fear the day she takes her last breath. Death. It's not right. It's not fair.

I am angry too that I cannot do what most people do and take comfort in unproven beliefs. I WANT to believe that I will see Christina again. I desperately WANT to believe that my grandmother was reunited with her mother when my grandmother died. I wish I could take comfort in thinking that when I die, I will be with those who have gone before me and that as time passes, my surviving loved ones will join me. But I can't. I just can't. I have no proof and it seems so unlikely. Why can't I just believe the stories? Why can't I take that leap of faith and then revel in the comfort and security that eternity can and will be blissful? I want to...but it escapes me. I just can't. Death is the end. That's what I've seen. Christina was here - and now she's not. She promised: She said that if it were possible to communicate from the other side, she would. And that has not happened. So, either that means that it is not possible to communicate from beyond death, or she has chosen to NOT communicate to me, or it could mean that she simply does not exist any more. Really, any of those potential reasons are equally likely I suppose. But the one that stands out to me is that Christina gone. She was here and now she is not. And that angers me.