In the nearly two years since my Christina died, I have so often stated that since her death I feel a spiritual void. Life has lost its magical qualities. I have become jaded and my hypervigilence keeps me in a state of fearful anticipation of Life's worst possible outcomes. Optimism has been uprooted and skepticism has taken its place.
Yet, every once in awhile, I notice my former ability to see Life with wonder shine through. What happened today is an example. Yesterday, Brian took Christina's little Ada with him while he did some errands. While they were out, they got some flowers and brought them to the cemetery for both Christina and Cheryl. Ada handles the experience in a matter-of-fact way. But then today, she found a black feather outside which really excited her. SHE sees the magic in Nature. Full of ecstasy with her new feather, she showed it to me, beaming with delight. And then MY former magical way of thinking kicked in: Was that feather a gift from Mommy to daughter? Christina loved black feathers! And I told Ada, "Maybe it was a special present from Mommy!" Her face lit up even more; she agreed, seeing the magic.
True, my skepticism kicked in automatically, after stating my intuitive observation: No. It's just a feather. Most likely evidence that a feral cat caught lunch in a nearby nest. And then the magic dissipated. It's just a feather. Christina is gone. She can't send gifts. But did I sense her presence, even for just that one magical moment?
Someone suggested that I should simply begin to act "as if." Act as if my faith still existed. Read the cards again. Look for the magic in life and tell my skepticism to shut the fuck up. Stop listening to those daunting-yet-rational voices in my head. But I can't. Not yet. I continue to obsessively watch all those silly paranormal shows, wanting proof, but finding none. And let's face it: If there WERE proof, it would've been discovered long ago. Still, I want it. I want evidence. I want to know where she is.
I think of that promise she made, only a month or two before she died. She promised if she died before any of us, and if she could reach us from "the other side," she would. In fact, she said if it were possible, she would haunt the hell out of us! So why hasn't she? Is it because she still exists but communication from the other side is not possible? Or is it because she no longer exists? THAT is the question that torments me.
In my former, more spiritual days, I would have been relatively certain that she, like all people who have passed, still exists. My relative certainty was enough; I didn't need more than that. I knew it was speculation, but I accepted that some things are unknowable. I would've believed that the dead sometimes remain connected to the living (hauntings), but that most move on to a reincarnated life. I still believe that reincarnation is the most likely after-death experience. And I still believe that hauntings are possible. I am open to the possibility. Hopeful even. And that vague suspicion is adequate when I think of those who have passed in general; but it is not adequate when I think of Christina. Christina was my daughter and the mom in me needs to know where/if she is.
So I continue to beg her to haunt me. But not with feathers that can be easily explained away. I want something profound to happen: I want to see her, hear her voice, feel her touch. I want her to move something right before my eyes. I want something to happen that I cannot explain or rationalize. But so far, that has not happened. So far, it has all been bird feathers. No mystery. No unexplainable, irrefutable experiences. I don't care if it scares me; I don't care if it makes me cry. I just want her to reach out and haunt me.
