These past several months, I have been speaking regularly
with a counselor as I try to process the events in my life that ultimately
brought me to the day in 2011 when my youngest daughter took her own life. I
had come to believe that at some level, I must be at least partially to blame
for what she had done; I believed that if I had done a good job of parenting,
Christina would not have been so unhappy to have caused her own death, leaving
behind two small children, a man who loved her deeply, siblings who cared about
her, and parents who will be forever changed as the result of her death. I
looked back over my parenting years and saw one mistake after another, leading
me to feel like a failure. This perspective has lead me to have numerous
regrets, to like myself less than ever before, and to feel totally jaded and
pessimistic about Life itself. If wisdom comes with age, it is a cruel twist of
fate; by the time we become wise, it is much too late – the damage has been
done.
But tonight, I wonder: I wonder if that is all there is
to the story of my life. As I look back, searching for perhaps a new
perspective, I am finding that there is much more to the story. My life is not
the story of repeated failure, but the story of never-ending determination. It
is the story of having the inner strength and motivation to pick myself up off
the floor every time I had been knocked down. It is the story of survival.
I survived and recovered from being molested by my
father. I survived and recovered from poverty. I survived, walked away from,
and recovered from extremist religion. I survived and recovered from mental
illness. I survived, walked away from, and recovered from an emotionally
wounding marriage relationship. I survived and recovered from a severe car
accident that nearly killed me and by all rights, should have left me brain
injured beyond recognition. I survived and walked away from marijuana
addiction, cocaine use, and alcohol use.
Mine is a story of continued motivation: The motivation
to be educated: about childbirth, about nutrition, about health in general.
About history, about mythology, about religion and spirituality. About elementary
education, about psychology, and now about professional counseling. Always
motivated to learn more, to know more, to become more capable. In spite of
criticism and in spite of doubt, I persisted. Yes, there were times when I felt
broken. There were times when I retreated to lick my wounds. And yes, there
were even times when I gave up…temporarily…because in the end, I always, always
got back up, sucked up the tears, turned my back on those who said I couldn’t
(or shouldn’t), and said, “To hell with you all – I’m going after what I want.”
In the end, my inner motivation pushed me forward – in spite of obstacles,
roadblocks, and brick walls. In spite of Life’s innate hardships. I kept going.
More importantly, I believe this story could be equally
applied to my children, but it is a story they have yet to hear. Currently, my
children continue to live out the story of being doomed to failure when in
fact, they are survivors…survivors who are motivated to reach for more rather
than to settle for less. Many would have given up by now; Christina certainly
did. But my other five children refuse to settle and continue to strive for
bigger, better, faster, more…and it makes me so proud!! Why? Because I have
been their example. They have seen me repeatedly struck down, and repeatedly I
have gotten back up. They have seen me trapped by countless brick walls, and
they have seen me scale those walls, or plough right through them when I had to.
Whether it was insisting on learning to drive a car, filling out applications
for financial aid to go to school, walking away – loudly – from a set of
religious beliefs that were destroying us, or simply saying out loud, “No, I
want more. I want better than this. I can do it. I deserve it.” They’ve seen me
do it – and whether they realize it yet or not, they have learned from me to do
what others have told them is impossible. Whether they realize it or not, they
already know how to beat the odds and to never give up. And whether they
realize it yet or not, they will achieve great things.
