Removes the colours from our sight,
Red is gray and yellow white,
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion?
Pinprick holes in a colourless sky,
Let insipid figures of light pass by,
The mighty light of ten thousand suns,
Challenges infinity and is soon gone.
To others the fear of
Brave Helios wake up your steads,
Bring the warmth the countryside needs.
It's been a long, dark night but I think I finally see light emerging on the horizon of my life.
It's been over 2 years since the darkness of night fell upon me. That Morning - when Christina died - I was thrust into a darkness that I had never experienced before: a dark night of the soul. I've been wandering around in the dark, alone, in a foreign land.
Since That Morning, I have often stated that when Christina died, she took a part of me with her. More specifically, I felt like she took my spiritual self with her. Prior to losing Christina, I was a spiritual person. In fact, from my earliest years I have been spiritually aware. But when she died, that all seemed to change. That day - from the moment we released her from that noose until 18 hours later when the coroner took her - I looked for her...for her Spirit. I remember I kept lifting her eyelids and looking into her eyes - looking for her - but she was not there. Her body was empty. She was gone. But gone where?? As a mother, I needed desperately to know where she had gone.
Spiritually, and at a very deep subconscious level, I expected to be able to sense her presence. I remember looking up to the ceiling as if I would see her spirit floating above us; I saw and sensed nothing. And I think that is when my beliefs in an afterlife began to deflate: Christina was dead. No part of her remained. She was simply...gone.
Still, I continued to look for her. I spoke to her via the Tarot the day or so after her funeral - and it seemed like perhaps she responded, but there was no "magical" feeling of her presence. I needed more. I needed proof that she still existed.
I remembered her promise to me and Mary: "Well all I know is that if I die before any of you, and it's possible to communicate with the living from the other side, you can be sure I will haunt all of you!" That's what she said. Just weeks before she left us, she said that to Mary and I while we were discussing the paranormal; we all agreed to do the same. I began to hold her to her promise and over these past two years, I have both begged her and dared her to haunt me! But she has not. Nothing.
It's been a long, dark, night.
In desperation, I got a Ouiji board and once again begged and dared her to make herself known. But she did not. I got nothing.
My jaded pessimism deepened. I felt ripped off: Religion and spirituality are simply the lies we tell ourselves to make things like death more palatable. "Your baby girl is in Heaven now, looking down upon you, watching over you." Oh yeah? Prove it! "She's in a better place." Really? And where exactly might that be? "God needed her more than we did." GOD needed her more than her KIDS needed her?? THAT's fucked up!
I expected to experience Death in a more spiritually profound way, prior to losing Christina. I expected Death to be as deeply profound as Birth. I expected to feel it in my soul. When Christina died, I experienced it emotionally; it hurt like hell; but I didn't feel it spiritually, supernaturally, or paranormally - and that is why I felt so abandoned and betrayed by my former spiritual beliefs.
Yesterday however, a glimmer of light appeared on the horizon. Yesterday, I was brought to a realization that I DID sense her Spirit Energy when she died. And Stone did too. We felt it That Morning. We just didn't know it at the time.
That Morning. The morning she died. That morning there was a 40 minute window of time that passed from the moment we last saw her alive to the moment we discovered her lifeless body. And it was during those 40 minutes that we sensed her presence without realizing that's what it was we were feeling. It was during those 40 minutes when Stone was sitting in his room and I was sitting in my room with Ada that we both experienced what we have described as the loudest quiet we had ever heard. We both struggled with the heavy feeling that "something" was different. There was a feeling, an energy, an urging to get up and go to her...always coupled by the logically retort of "no, she'll be fine." We both wrestled with the need to get up and go to her but at the same time, we were both immobilized, unable to move. I now believe what we felt that morning was Christina. Her spiritual energy loomed over us and around us. She was there. We felt her presence. We just didn't recognize her. Maybe we knew. Maybe we didn't WANT to know. But we felt her. She didn't die in the hospital while on life support; she died hanging from that damn beam. Her spirit wasn't in the hospital; her spirit lingered in the house with us, with her kids. And THAT is why Ada asked Brian about Cheryl That Morning before Brian found Christina: Cheryl was there too that morning...
Realizing all of this has brought with it a glimmer of light; my Dark Night is coming to an end. We ARE more than just physical bodies: at our core, we are spiritual energy - very loud silent energies. And that energy survives the death of the body. The body may die, but the spirit is eternal. And for that, I am truly grateful.
