OH WHAT A YEAR

Now that we have officially entered into a new calendar year, I've been thinking a lot about last year. Last year will be forever marred by Christina's suicide. So, when I think about 2011 and the Life Lessons I have learned, it all revolves around what losing Christina has taught me.

I suppose the biggest lesson learned is that bad things happen and no one is immune. Prior to losing Christina, I was very optimistic. I believed the statistics favored me; I would likely get through life without ever being a victim of crime or losing a child. In spite of the odds, I was touched by tragedy, leaving me forever changed, much more paranoid, and by far less optimistic.

I learned other things too. While I realize that what Christina did is not directly MY fault, I also know that there are things I should have done and things I shouldn't have done all throughout her life that just might have made a difference. The most important lesson I learned is that a mother should always, always, always put her children first. I failed in that respect; I allowed myself to get sucked into my own inner world of daily survival, marital discord, and self-improvement. I became too self-absorbed and was often oblivious to what my children were experiencing. I can't change that; all I can do is experience the regret and sorrow for having made such an alarming error. A mother is is the hub in the web that is her family. What happens to the mother happens to the children. Or, as so many have said, "If Mommy isn't happy, no one is happy." I was not happy for a long time and MY sadness, MY discontent, MY depression and confusion all had detrimental effects on my children.

I learned just how serious mental illness can be. I learned to never become complacent about a person's threats to end their life. In so many ways, Christina was like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. She verbalized suicidal ideation often enough that I became complacent. Wrong! Wrong response! All I can do is beg her forgiveness and hope that she exists in the Spirit realm, if there is one, and that she has forgiven me.

I learned also just how fragile spirituality can be. My faith and my beliefs have been shattered. I want proof of where she is...IF she is...and there is none.

Still, in spite of me learning all of these various Life Lessons, I still question it all. Why?? Why did I need these lessons, and why like this?? I am still unsure of the answer to all that. It seems unnecessary. And it's not just me, but our whole family: Why do WE need to face these lessons? Why do WE need to grieve a loss like this?? I was fond of saying that "everything is as it should be," but is it, really?? THIS should not be. I cannot accept that losing Christina was in everyone's best interest. I'm not convinced that it was in HER best interest either. People have said that her pain was so big, so overwhelming, so intense, that at least she is at peace now, released from her emotional and psychological trauma. Perhaps. Perhaps my wish that she could still be here is selfish. I will need to think about that more because right now, I just want her back.

So, a new year begins. The lessons are never over; there is always more to learn. Last year, I had to learn how to cope with her death. This year, I will need to learn how to cope with her absence.