TEACHER/HEALER/HELPER

Early on in my identity quest, it was apparent to me that I am best described and defined by the roles of the teacher, the healer, and the helper.

In fact, the professions I most considered were teaching, nursing & midwifery, and counseling. I came very close to earning my Bachelor's degree in elementary education, but after the car accident damaged my vision, I realized that teaching was no longer an option for me and that is when I changed my major to psychology and now, at the master's degree level, counseling.

When I was much younger I was very interested in becoming a midwife, but my husband forbid it. He said the legal risk was too great and he didn't like the idea of me being on-call all the time. I allowed him to make that decision for me, sadly.

And, had I known myself better when I was much younger, I would've considered becoming a funeral director and would've studied mortuary science. Too late now, although I've recently begun researching the Green Funeral Movement and would like to become involved in that, even as I pursue my Master's in Community Counseling.

I think of the years I spent homeschooling and while there are many things I would have done differently in that arena had I had access to more support and more money, I enjoyed the experience immensely and still miss it.

So when I must define who I am, the words teacher, healer, and helper always come to mind first.

Community Counseling will be a wonderfully perfect career choice for me, even now, late in my life. Perhaps it is especially now, as I approach fifty, that I believe I am even more qualified than ever to counsel and work in the mental health field - as if all of my life experiences thus far have prepared me for this role. Finally, I will get paid to do something I enjoy and something I am naturally good at doing. People have always turned to me for insight and advice and now I can charge for that service! And, in doing so, I will be taking another giant step toward self-actualization.

Had I become a midwife, I would've excelled. Had I become a public school teacher, I would've excelled. Had I known enough about myself to become a funeral director, I would've excelled there too. And now, as I approach the Counseling field, I am confident that I will excel there too!

IDENTITY QUEST or THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THINGS STAY THE SAME

I've been journaling for decades and earlier today I was browsing through some of my journals from the early 1990's. At that time in my life, I realized - with great anguish - that I had not been living authentically. As I entered my thirties, I realized that in my efforts to "do the right thing" and "be an adult," I had established a pattern of beliefs and behaviors that were not natural to me and therefore not authentic. So I began a quest to discover who I really was.

At first, I was confused. It seemed there were many discrepancies, conflicts, and apparent paradoxical aspects to my personality. There were parts of me that appeared relatively conservative, especially as a stay-at-home mom; and there were parts of me that were very progressive and unorthodox, like admitting my bisexuality, taking an interest in neopagan religions, and my newly emerging feminist viewpoints.

In the early nineties, I was just coming to terms with my sexuality and admitting, first to myself, and then to others, that I am attracted to women. At first, I said I was a lesbian, but now I realize I am bisexual. It was a huge part of my identity that I had ignored, denied, and shoved deep into the basement of my soul. Admitting being bisexual was a huge step toward self-actualization; but there was so much more to do.

Now, nearly 20 years later, I am still on my identity quest. Does it ever end, really? If we are all constantly growing and changing, then our quest toward knowing ourselves never really ends. But because I had kept my truest nature sublimated, I had to start from scratch. And in fact, The Counseling Dictionary (Gladding, 2006) says that self-actualization is a "constant striving and need" that we all have to "grow and realize their full potential" and to be "autonomous and healthy." Constant.

A work-in-progress, I am. We all are, though I often feel like I am the only one. And, just as I realized when I reached my thirties, I am multi-faceted with inconsistencies and paradoxical natures. At times, these incongruencies make me feel unstable, wishy-washy, and perhaps even somewhat schizophrenic. But then I remind myself that I am not a cardboard cut-out, a robot, or just a literary character; I am a human being and I am entitled to my own personal discrepancies.

So while I was somewhat discouraged and alarmed to find that even though twenty years have passed since I first began my identity quest, and that as I approach fifty I am still introspecting about who I really am, I must remind myself to take comfort in knowing that Abraham Maslow would be proud with my endurance and continual reflection and search for my truest nature - and my willingness to self-actualize!

A PERSONAL SANCTUARY

My sanity requires a personal sanctuary. Traditionally, that has always been my living room. It is the place where I focus my decorating energies. Everything placed in that room is strategically chosen to enhance the overall ambience. Typically, I ensure that the room is equipped with various lighting options, from candlelight to bright light and natural light. Access to music is essential; a television is not. The decor generally includes objects from Nature (rocks, plants, seashells, dried floral arrangements, etc.), spiritual icons, and possessions of personal significance. A comfortable thow for naps is also a must. And above all, it is perpetually clean. It is not a place for un-used, misplaced, homeless possessions.

While my sanctuary is where I retreat, relax, and let go, it is also where I entertain. It is the room visitors all experience, so it is vital that it is true to who I am; a reflection of me. It must be as comfortable and inviting as it is functional and practical. And I've been without one for over five years now. Is it any wonder I often feel listless, homesick, and spend far too much time in Cyberspace?

Admittedly, I am self-absorbed, introspective, and enjoy my solitude. Still, I am equally social and enjoy the company of good friends and those I love most. In fact, all people are interesting and I can usually find some value in even the scum of the earth. My need for solitude is not based on an inherent dislike of people. Yet, I am most content, most relaxed, and most at peace when I am afforded the time and space to live within the confines of my mind, preferrably in an environment that is aesthetically pleasing to my personal taste.

In all my adult years, this is the first time where the closest thing I have to a personal sanctuary is my bedroom, and even that falls short. So creating a living room / sanctuary has become an urgent priority. My sanity demands it because, after all, when Mama's not happy, no one is happy.

SO REALLY, WHO AM I?

In practical terms, I am a mature, white female. I am the oldest of four daughters. Having been born in 1962, I am at the younger end of the Baby Boom Generation. I am the mother of four daughters and two sons and the grandmother of twelve.

But I am so much more than that. I am multifaceted and eclectic, and yet, very average and much like anyone else. While I am earthy, solid, practical, and motherly, I am also classy, stylish and graceful. I believe I am empathic, generous, intuitive and introspective, socialble, well-liked and personable. Yet, paradoxically, I am also reclusive, agoraphobic, self-absorbed, selfish, and picky. On the one hand, I am fascinated by the occult, hauntings, the Unknown and Unprovable. I am deeply spiritual and often religious while at the same time, I am scientific, practical, analytical, and respect facts and scientific method. I am both an intuitive tarot reader and an agnostic, believing just about anything is possible and yet knowing that very little is provable. I am mystified by a Higher Power and still I realize that "God" is quite likely a human creation that we long ago concocted to ease our insecurities and fulfill our lifelong need for a parent-image. I am a child in an adult body after spending my childhood feeling like an adult trapped in a child's body. While I can be mature, professional, responsible, and sage-like, there is a child-within who loves to play, to color, to dance in the rain and swim naked in the middle of the night.

I am the teacher, the healer, the helper. I am the counselor, the minister, the leader and the follower. I am the victim of child sexual abuse, of poverty, and of my own short-comings. I am paradoxical and admittedly inconsistent, much like life itself. All of this, and so very much more, makes me who I am.

A LESSON IN HISTORY

So who am I? History repeats itself in families and so to undertstand more completely who I really am, I must take into consideration my family of origin and their stories because their histories laid the foundation for who I was to become. In essence, I am all of them, plus the impact and influence of all of my unique life experiences.

Most significantly, I was influenced by the household I was born into which consisted of my mother, my maternal grandmother and grandfather, and my mom's brother Rick who was also living in the home that I came into when I was born.

I was my mom's first-born child and the first grandchild which made me the center of the Universe. My early childhood put me in a world where my needs were met. I had four primary parents because of living with my mom's family, and so there was always someone available to care for me.

Even though my mom was young - a teenager - when I was born, she was kind, nurturing, attentive, and loving. My grandparents and uncle were also very loving, patient and kind with me. My father was in the Service when I was born, so it would be a few years before he would enter my life.

When I think back to those very first few years of my life - and I DO have memories from that time - I recall feeling genuinely and purely happy with no anxiety about the world around me. My world was a safe and secure place where I was at liberty to be me.

When my father's time in the service came to an end and he arrived in our household, I recall feeling uneasy, threatened, and unsure. As a young father with his own history of dysfunctional family dynamics, he believed I was his property and that his job as a parent was to be the disciplinarian. His main function was to give me orders that I was to follow. Obedience without question. I both feared and resented his presence in my world and would often run to my mother, grandmother, grandfather, or uncle. That was when I learned that sometimes, even those who loved me most could not always come to my rescue.

I remember sensing that my father was jealous of the strong bond between me and my mom and he was also both jealous and resentful that I had bonded to my uncle and grandparents. He could see that in my two-year-old mind, they were my parents and he was not. I loved them; I feared and avoided him.

I realize now, looking back at my history, that the addition of my father to my childhood family constellation forever impacted my conclusions about men. Excluding my grandfather and uncle, I then learned that men were mean, threatening, angry, not to be trusted but to be obeyed. I learned that men were the ruling gender and that they wielded power and authority. I learned that they could inflict emotional pain at their discretion and often without obvious rationale.

While I have memories of this time in my life, they are somewhat fuzzy and involve feelings more than specific events. The first actual event-based memory that I have of my father came a year or two after his return home when we (my mom, dad, and I) were living alone as a nuclear family in an apartment.

In the first memory, my mom had sewn me a beautiful blue velvetine winter coat. There was some left-over fabric and she used it to cover a cigar box. She gave the now-beautiful box to me as a special "treasure box" and I was ecstatic! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I liked it for both it's rich color and pleasing tactile properties. When my dad came home from work and saw it, I remember him liking it. In fact, he liked it so much that he decided that HE wanted it, and so he took it from me. I remember my mom protesting, telling him that she had made it for me. I was crying. No one had ever stolen from me before. But he won. The beautiful treasure box was no longer mine. I learned that men could have their way.

My second memory of my father was from the same time period. He was at work and my mom had been making fried chicken for dinner. When the chicken had been battered and floured and put to the side, my mom decided to take a break. It would be a short while before it would all have to be cooked. I asked her if I could "cook" with the left-over egg mixture and bread crumbs and she told me I could. So, while she rested on the couch, I went into the kitchen feeling very grown up and began to "cook." I remember looking in the refrigerator for other things that I could add to the egg mixture and I found a bottle of hot sauce. I added it to the eggs and took pleasure in the change in color and smell of my "recipe."

Soon, my dad came home from work. Dinner had been cooked and we sat down to eat. My dad went to the refrigerator to get his bottle of hot sauce, but it was gone. When he found out that I had taken it when I was "cooking," he became very angry. Once again, my mother came to my defense, but my dad over ruled. He pulled down my pants, put me over his knees, and spanked me. I had never been spanked like that before. I don't think I had ever been spanked at all! I learned that evening at the age of three that men could also humiliate and physically inflict pain...and that there was nothing a woman could do about it.

LESSONS I'VE LEARNED (SO FAR)

So, wisdom does come with age and, based on all the wisdom I've acquired, you would think I was far more than not-quite-fifty! But I've lived a complex life, packed full with experiences and I've learned a lot. The lessons that follow are not necessarily in chronological order, based on when I learned them, but rather a cumulative compilation of what Life has taught me.

> Teen age girls would be less likely to become pregnant too soon if, upon beginning to menstruate, they receive congratulations for entering womanhood, a vibrator with the encouragement to sexually satisfy themselves and the explanation that their boyfriends will fall short, and a puppy or kitten for them to pour all of their hormonal urges to nurture and mother.

> Children come into this world not so much in need of parents, but rather, in need of nurturing guides and teachers. This role can certainly be best fulfilled by a loving parent, but the main point here is that parenting is more about guiding and teaching than it is about disciplining.

> While parenthood seems to be biologically programmed to occur at an early age when eggs are ripe, sperm is healthy, and parents have the physical energy required, it is probably best done under the supervision of grandparents. Grandparents can pick up the slack and guide the young, new parent as they begin to fulfill their role as a primary care-giver.

> Co-family sleeping, along with extended breastfeeding, is not only healthiest for the baby, but allows everyone a good night's rest which is foundational to good parenting.

> Boys will be boys, but girls will be women. The point here is that girls will often mature at a very young age; boys simply will not.

> Part of the parent's job, especially as the child begins to mature, is to evaluate their child's innate vocational skills - and then guide the child in that direction. Formal vocational assessment of adolescents should be required by law.

> Young children should be encouraged to "work" along side adults as much as possible, especially in the household. Even very young children can be taught to put things away and clean up after themselves, BUT, they cannot and should not be expected to do it alone. The familiar "go clean up your room" command so often thrown at young children is asking way too much.

> High schools should focus on offering apprenticeships and community service projects because both endeavors will build character, show the student why academics are important, and help the student determine what their own vocational skills and desires involve.

> I've learned that the louder a parent yells, the less the child will listen. Also, the more you hit your child, the worse he will behave. In conjuction with this lesson, I learned that every moment you have with your child, you are helping to create a potential childhood memory - either a good one, or a bad one.

> I've learned to question WHY I am attracted to certain men. WHO do they remind me of? WHAT makes them so familiar? I've learned that I am often attracted to men who are not in my best interest.

> I've learned that medical doctors are just practicing medicine and so they don't always know best. I've found out - often the hard way - that sometimes, an older woman or mother or even a grandmother may know more helpful and practical medical information than an M.D., especially when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, pediatrics, and women's health in general.

> I've learned to trust my gut. It always knows what is best for me.

> I've learned that for my sanity's sake, I need a personal sanctuary which has always been my living room.

> I've learned that when Mom's not happy, no one is happy.

> After many, many years, I realized that rather than be seen as "the girl nextdoor," I would much rather be known as "the bitch across the street." Bitches always get what they want.

> I've learned that history really does repeat itself. If I had known that when I was dating, I would've paid more attention to my former husband's family stories.

> I've learned that when choosing a spouse, considering their genetic history is just as important as their medical history and family relationships histories.

> I learned that just because a guy claims to love me, that alone is not reason enough to love him back.

> I read once that every person is (a) just like everyone else, (b) just like some other people, and (c) just like no one else. This pretty much sums up all of humanity.

> I've learned that Life is way too short.

> Some people are truly happiest when they are miserable. Others find great joy and pleasure in making others miserable.

> Life is full of paradox. For example, the more things change, the more they stay the same, and YET, the only constant in life is change.

> I've learned that everything has a shelf life. Especially relationships. Just because a relationship had a short shelf life doesn't necessarily mean that it was a bad relationship. Oh, and just because a relationship's shelf life spanned a lifetime, doesn't necessarily mean it was a good relationship.

> I've realized that while evolution and biology have a strong impact on the division of labor between men and women (especially mothers and fathers), it is still possible for some men to be kind, gentle, nurturing fathers and it is equally possible that some women are better off remaining childless.

>


[MORE LATER. THIS ESSAY IS A WORK-IN-PROGRESS.]

THE SUNNY SIDE OF LIFE

While I certainly have my regrets and a list of things I wish I had done differently had I known in my youth who I really was, life has not been all bad and I take pride in my ability to continually strive toward self-actualization, regardless of how many times I have been knocked down.

When I look back at my twenties, thirties and forties, I see multiple times when defeat came close to pushing me right over the edge. There have been times in my life when I could have taken paths that would have further complicated and worsened already-bad situations. Yet, my inner drive, self-determination, and underlying acceptance that I was born to accomplish so much more motivated me to pick up the pieces, take a deep breath, and begin again. Often, these new starts involved digging my way out of deep ruts and self-constructed pits. Many times there have been road blocks, detours where I was required to beat the odds, and times where I was able to rise above multiple limitations and restrictions. For a long time, I self-identified as a bottom-feeder; but eventually, I began to surface and finally began to feel the warmth of the sunny side of life.

In this present moment, I feel optimistic. I see amazing potential still hovering on my horizon, and still within reach. I cannot undo the past, but I can create each moment with a new awareness, and new purpose, and with the insights of many lessons learned. As I continue to strive toward economic self-sufficiency in a field for which I am perfectly suited and well-primed, I know that I will soon be able to create and build a life that is more truly and authentically my own. In doing so, I will feel even more of the warmth of the sunny side of life.

No, I cannot undo the past; but as I consciously construct the present, I will reap a self-styled future that will ultimately benefit my grown children because my plans, goals and aspirations take them and their needs into consideration. I have learned that living in the sunny side involves staying in the driver's seat of my life, and never again will I invite or allow someone else to have that position. Never again will I choose subservience.