CALL ME SELF-CENTERED, I DON'T CARE

Call me self-centered; I don't care. I feel like I have earned the right to be as selfish as I want to be. For so many years, I gave, continuously. When the babies were coming every two years, I shared my bed night after night. I shared my body...carrying them for nine months, nursing them for months and years, holding them, carrying them...I was selfless. I relinquished myself for their benefit. I put their needs ahead of my own. I did so willingly, not as a martyr, but willingly because, I reasoned, that someday my kids would be grown and then I would be able to care for and indulge in myself.

Well, those days are here! My youngest is twenty-two. True, a few of them still live at home - with their girlfriends. But they aren't dependent babies; they are adults. And this is MY time to do as I please.

Yet, I am chastised for wanting and insisting that things be done a certain way. I have my own standards for how I expect the house to look, now that I don't have small children. I have that right. I've earned it. But I'm being called neurotic. That's ok. Call me whatever you want; it's MY house and so we will do it MY way. Still, I hear hurtful remarks.

More and more I want to be alone...very, very alone. Yes, I love my grown children. But I deserve to have at least some of my life back. I'm tired of being just the housekeeper. I'm tired of feeling compelled to do for others. I'm tired of feeling guilty for being who I am. I'm tired of feeling obligated. I just wanna be me. I want to sleep only when I'm tired and eat only when I'm hungry. I want to clean my house - and then have it remain clean, at least for a day or two! I want silence. I want things MY way, damn it. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed. I'm too old for this tired argument.

So call me self-centered; I don't care. I've earned the right.