I've heard it said that there is a reason for everything and I myself have often claimed that "everything is as it should be" as a sort of life-mantra to explain the rough spots in life; but this time, those cliches offer no comfort. How can this be a justifiable, "should-be," part of my life??
It will make me stronger, it's been said. Will it, really? And, aren't there better ways to gain emotional strength than losing a daughter to suicide?? What kind of sick logic is that?
Some have said that god will give you nothing that you can't handle. Really? And what about Christina? Wasn't she given more than she could handle??
While I believe that, in the end, I will survive, recover, heal from my grief and move on, I will also be forever changed. She has taken part of me with her. Is it a part of me that I can do without? What "part" of me has left with her? I'm not sure what that means, but know that some part of me feels...gone.
Then there is my irrational preoccupation with the paranormal as I desperately want to sense her presence. She can't be just...gone. I need some proof that she is still somewhere, still aware of us, still in existence, somewhere, somehow. I light candles, hoping to attract her spirit. I watch tv shows about ghosts and hauntings trying deperately to find some proof that what I want - a sign from her - is possible and not just wishful thinking.
I remember when my grandfather died and several weeks later, I "saw him" while at a restaurant. It was a very real, yet unreal experience. It's not that I rule out the paranormal. I've lived in two "haunted" houses and know that the unexplained happens. But while those two homes were apparently inhabited by something from the other side, it was more or less meaningless (and unnerving) because the ghosts were not mine but just some unknown remnant of the past. When I saw my grandfather at the restaurant, I got the impression he was saying, "I'm still around. Remember me like this. This is who I was." Will Christina do the same? Will she offer me some proof, some message, some tangible evidence that she is still "out there?"
I look at the collection of photos we have of her - lots of them - and she seems so strong, so self-confident, so beautiful; but then I get a flash of what she looked like when we found her, or how helpless and lifeless she appeared attached to all the life support equipment and I wonder: Why?? How could this be real? Why did this have to happen?? She had so much potential. So why didn't she see that?
I want to go to the cemetery; but then again, I know I am not ready. I can't. I simply cannot. I fear the emotions that still simmer just below the surface. Sure, I've cried. But I'm no where near being done with that. Not yet. Perhaps never will the tears be fully gone.
So why? Why?? How does tragedy fit in? Why do bad things have to happen? How do we rise above a tragic loss and accept it as something that "should be?" I feel confused, as if my acceptance of Life has been shattered. I feel somewhat bitter and jaded, as if I am building a wall or donning a coat of armor to protect myself from the harshness of Life. Help me Christina! What am I supposed to do from this point on? I want to honor you, to "be there" for your kids; yet I feel so empty now and so mortally wounded. How is what you did supposed to be something that will strengthen me when, right now, I feel weaker and more vulnerable than I've ever felt before. So, what? Where is the rhyme or reason? Where is the bigger picture that will explain it all? Why? How? And, where are you now??
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