CONSERVATION OF ENERGY

It's been almost a year since Christina died. Since her death, I feel spiritually void. The beliefs that once gave me comfort and inspiration now feel like magical thinking designed to reduce existential angst. I wonder if she took that part of me with her. I wish (it would be so much easier) I could simply believe that she is floating around in a Heaven somewhere, looking down upon us with an angelic smile and an eternal sense of bliss. But I cannot.

I have found myself feeling jealous of Christians (imagine THAT!) who can rest easy, "knowing" that they will someday be reunited with their loved ones in the Hereafter. I WANT to put my head in the sand because Ignorance IS Bliss!! Instead, I feel like I have been left with the harsh, clinical reality that death is simply The End. Like the Monty Python skit, Christina has "ceased to exist."

But I must digress. I must explain. Prior to losing Christina, I felt spiritual. Sometimes I even felt profoundly spiritual. Yet, I always admitted that my beliefs (like everyone's) were without proof or validation. In fact, I could readily admit that the spiritual images and stories that inspired me were simply myths and symbols that served to make the abstract Unknowable more concrete and user-friendly. I envisioned the Divine as distinctly female as the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone and while I recognized male attributes in the Divine, I identified most closely with the Feminine aspects. The agricultural Wheel of the Year deepened my connection with the Sacredness of Nature and allowed me to live the entire circle of Birth-Life-Death-Rebirth with each passing season. Spring was a time of Birth and Life. Summer was a time of Life and coming into fullness. Fall and Winter were about dying and death until Spring would arrive and along with it, a sense of rebirth.

But now...not so much. Now, I struggle with the scientific rationality of Life and Death and sense nothing beyond the cold, hard facts that define each. I suspect that seeing Christina's dead body and handling her body after she passed...those experiences took from me the Divine Mystery of death and replaced it with a very medical, clinical, scientific, harshness. The difference between Life and Death appears to boil down to brain waves, heart rhythms, and involuntary reflexes. And the eyes...the emptiness in the eyes. When we took her down from the beam that Wednesday morning in May, before I ever checked for her pulse or respirations, I lifted her eyelids and recognized that it was Death looking back at me and not my Baby Girl.

And yet...

And yet, with the help of some grief counseling, I was reminded of the Law of Conservation of Energy in Physics...and it has created a spark that just might rekindle the flame of my faith. When I held Christina in my arms that morning - and all throughout that day while she remained on Life Support - what was missing?? If her heart was beating (only because the machinery made it beat) and if her body was breathing (only because the machinery made her breathe), and I still sensed she was not really alive, then what was missing? It was Christina that was gone...her Spirit...her energy.

So, then, if at some level we possess Energy (and we do, don't we??), and if Energy can be neither created nor destroyed (according to the law of the Conservation of Energy), then her Energy must continue to exist - somewhere...at some level...for all eternity. And looking at it like that (still somewhat clinical and still scientifically), a spiritual spark within me ignited! And then I thought, "Christina is not completely gone! Her body lies but still she roams!!" 

I still have not returned to my former, simplistic, even child-like spiritual revelry; in fact, I doubt that I will ever feel like that again. But that's not to say I will never be spiritual; it just means that my spirituality will likely re-emerge in a new, rekindled, evolved, reincarnated format. It seems possible.

My mom says my Spirit has been in shock. I'm always amazed at her ability to summarize the complex murky depths of my soul with such consise simplicity. But she's right: My Spirit - my soul - has been in a traumatized state of shock these past ten months (in fact, ten months today). And I realize the shock is just beginning to dissipate because while I still find myself saying, "I can't believe she's gone," I also find myself both believing and knowing that she really IS gone. With the slow acceptance of the reality of her passing comes more pain...and perhaps the beginning of true grieving. This past year, tears have been shed, but the disbelief overshadowed it all. Now, as the disbelief fades, the reality encroaches and brings new, fresh, profound pain and sorrow...so much so I am amazed that I can hold it and still live. Again, ignorance is bliss.

But for now, I hold my focus on that simple law of Physics: Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. And I take comfort in it. I cannot conceptualize further...yet. Her energy may no longer be Christina-Energy. Her energy may have simply returned to the Universe at large. Or, perhaps not. Perhaps somewhere, out there, she travels. Perhaps this time, she really did go to the Dark Side of the Moon.