I recently had to write a paper for school about ten events that most made me who I am today. While I will not recompose that essay (the original was eighteen pages long), I will summarize it here.
The Ten Events:
1. Being a child of the 1960s and 1970s. Generally speaking, growing up during those years exposed me to many things my children never experienced. Civil rights, the fight for Equal Rights for Women, Roe v. Wade (and life before Roe v. Wade), and the Vietnam War made me very much aware that Life is not always fair and that while MY life might be comfortable, there are people who are marginalized and who are never validated by the dominant culture. Being the oldest child and grandchild meant that I was always surrounded by adults. As a result, I vicariously saw the world around me through the lenses of the generation just above me. My mom was young when I was born; a teen mom. I remember her 20th birthday! As she and her brother came of age in the mid sixties, I was right there beside them. I grew up singing along with Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Judy Collins, and Donovan long before adolescence hit and I fell in love with Donny Osmond.
2. Being molested as a child. Without going into too much detail, I will say that this experience taught me - in the long run, not initially - that abusers were often once abused themselves. I learned that familial history often repeats itself. I also learned to trust my gut and that very little is unforgiveable.
3. Getting involved in a toxic faith system. This experience taught me that dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Fundamentalism appeals to those who desperately need a clean slate and a fresh start. It offers power to the powerless. "Plant a seed, send your money, and get a miracle." Who doesn't want to buy a miracle? Yeah, this experience taught me that patriarchy is messed up, that man created god in his own dysfunctional image, and that peer pressure can extend beyond childhood.
4. Leaving a toxic faith system. Walking away from fundamentalism taught me that I had more strength and intelligence than I had ever known. It taught me to think for myself and to stand up for what I know is right. It taught me that no one owns The Truth.
5. Spending about ten years of my life in deep introspection and self-exploration. After leaving the church, I spent a lot of time in self-reflection. I began to keep journals. I started reading about everything: history, religion, philosophy, feminism, sociology, psychology, anthropology. I wrestled with sexuality, poverty, family dsyfunctions, my role as a woman. I started, finally, to get to know myself.
6. Giving birth at home. Giving birth at home taught me about female strength. It taught me to rely on the medical profession only when necessary (trauma and surgery primarily - it is when doctors and medical science are at their finest). I learned that the body is miraculous. I learned that birth is a natural process. My experiences with birthing at home made me feel powerful, capable, and strong. It made me feel connected to all women throughout all time.
7. Having children who are now adults. To see my six children become such wonderful adults, in spite of all they lived through, and in spite of my dysfunctions, has made me realize just how much parents need to remain conscious that every moment is a potential memory for a child and it makes me ask: Are you creating a good memory or a bad memory for your child right now? As much as I'd like to take the credit for who my children have become, I cannot. The things they are now accomplishing and achieving are all in spite of me. Seeing my children become adults has taught me that kids are resilient (thankfully) and that when they are first born, and during their growing up years, we as parents are often clueless about who those kids really are.
8. My second marriage. My second marriage, no longer intact, taught me a lot about standing my ground. It taught me about boundaries and the importance of remaining in the driver's seat of my life. My marriage taught me that life is too short for power struggles. It taught me that sometimes we are attracted to people for the psychological resolve we will achieve as a couple. He gave me the exact lessons I needed to learn, however dysfunctional our relationship was. He was controlling; rather, I LET him be controlling. He treated me like a child; rather, I ACTED like a child and allowed him to treat me like one. Until I learned otherwise.
9. Living below the federal poverty line. This experience taught me that there IS a war against the poor. It taught me that some of the most interesting and dynamic people can be found in Welfare lines. It taught me that most people do not want to be on public aid or standing in line at a food pantry. Living poor also taught me to value having enough. It taught me that most people live way too large. I learned that we are a wasteful society, but our collective garbage is what dumpster-divers bank on.
10. Christina's suicide. Losing Christina the way I did is so recent that my lessons from this experience continue to unfold. So far, I learned to NEVER AGAIN equate suicidal ideation with being "a drama queen." I have learned that losing a child this way creates a grief very different from the expected and anticipated loss and grieving from losing a parent or grandparent due to old age. I have also learned that my former sense of existential peace was fleeting and insecure; I wrestle once more with the unknowable; I resent mortality. On a more practical level, I have learned that embalming is unnecessary and disfiguring; I will NEVER agree to that again. I have also become even more convinced that we need to bring death (like birth) back home. We need to go back to caring for and waking our own dead. That whole day in the hospital with Christina on Life Support (as if she were alive) was the greatest insult - to Christina AND her family. If I could do that day over, I would not have called 911 and I would have waked her here at home.
All of these events - some good, some tragic - have made me more fully who I am. They sharpened my inclination to become more fully myself, closer to self-actualization, and more authentically ME, and for that I am grateful.
The Ten Events:
1. Being a child of the 1960s and 1970s. Generally speaking, growing up during those years exposed me to many things my children never experienced. Civil rights, the fight for Equal Rights for Women, Roe v. Wade (and life before Roe v. Wade), and the Vietnam War made me very much aware that Life is not always fair and that while MY life might be comfortable, there are people who are marginalized and who are never validated by the dominant culture. Being the oldest child and grandchild meant that I was always surrounded by adults. As a result, I vicariously saw the world around me through the lenses of the generation just above me. My mom was young when I was born; a teen mom. I remember her 20th birthday! As she and her brother came of age in the mid sixties, I was right there beside them. I grew up singing along with Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Judy Collins, and Donovan long before adolescence hit and I fell in love with Donny Osmond.
2. Being molested as a child. Without going into too much detail, I will say that this experience taught me - in the long run, not initially - that abusers were often once abused themselves. I learned that familial history often repeats itself. I also learned to trust my gut and that very little is unforgiveable.
3. Getting involved in a toxic faith system. This experience taught me that dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Fundamentalism appeals to those who desperately need a clean slate and a fresh start. It offers power to the powerless. "Plant a seed, send your money, and get a miracle." Who doesn't want to buy a miracle? Yeah, this experience taught me that patriarchy is messed up, that man created god in his own dysfunctional image, and that peer pressure can extend beyond childhood.
4. Leaving a toxic faith system. Walking away from fundamentalism taught me that I had more strength and intelligence than I had ever known. It taught me to think for myself and to stand up for what I know is right. It taught me that no one owns The Truth.
5. Spending about ten years of my life in deep introspection and self-exploration. After leaving the church, I spent a lot of time in self-reflection. I began to keep journals. I started reading about everything: history, religion, philosophy, feminism, sociology, psychology, anthropology. I wrestled with sexuality, poverty, family dsyfunctions, my role as a woman. I started, finally, to get to know myself.
6. Giving birth at home. Giving birth at home taught me about female strength. It taught me to rely on the medical profession only when necessary (trauma and surgery primarily - it is when doctors and medical science are at their finest). I learned that the body is miraculous. I learned that birth is a natural process. My experiences with birthing at home made me feel powerful, capable, and strong. It made me feel connected to all women throughout all time.
7. Having children who are now adults. To see my six children become such wonderful adults, in spite of all they lived through, and in spite of my dysfunctions, has made me realize just how much parents need to remain conscious that every moment is a potential memory for a child and it makes me ask: Are you creating a good memory or a bad memory for your child right now? As much as I'd like to take the credit for who my children have become, I cannot. The things they are now accomplishing and achieving are all in spite of me. Seeing my children become adults has taught me that kids are resilient (thankfully) and that when they are first born, and during their growing up years, we as parents are often clueless about who those kids really are.
8. My second marriage. My second marriage, no longer intact, taught me a lot about standing my ground. It taught me about boundaries and the importance of remaining in the driver's seat of my life. My marriage taught me that life is too short for power struggles. It taught me that sometimes we are attracted to people for the psychological resolve we will achieve as a couple. He gave me the exact lessons I needed to learn, however dysfunctional our relationship was. He was controlling; rather, I LET him be controlling. He treated me like a child; rather, I ACTED like a child and allowed him to treat me like one. Until I learned otherwise.
9. Living below the federal poverty line. This experience taught me that there IS a war against the poor. It taught me that some of the most interesting and dynamic people can be found in Welfare lines. It taught me that most people do not want to be on public aid or standing in line at a food pantry. Living poor also taught me to value having enough. It taught me that most people live way too large. I learned that we are a wasteful society, but our collective garbage is what dumpster-divers bank on.
10. Christina's suicide. Losing Christina the way I did is so recent that my lessons from this experience continue to unfold. So far, I learned to NEVER AGAIN equate suicidal ideation with being "a drama queen." I have learned that losing a child this way creates a grief very different from the expected and anticipated loss and grieving from losing a parent or grandparent due to old age. I have also learned that my former sense of existential peace was fleeting and insecure; I wrestle once more with the unknowable; I resent mortality. On a more practical level, I have learned that embalming is unnecessary and disfiguring; I will NEVER agree to that again. I have also become even more convinced that we need to bring death (like birth) back home. We need to go back to caring for and waking our own dead. That whole day in the hospital with Christina on Life Support (as if she were alive) was the greatest insult - to Christina AND her family. If I could do that day over, I would not have called 911 and I would have waked her here at home.
All of these events - some good, some tragic - have made me more fully who I am. They sharpened my inclination to become more fully myself, closer to self-actualization, and more authentically ME, and for that I am grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment