SERENDIPITOUS ENCOUNTER

A few days ago, I unexpectedly found myself in the emergency room...the same emergency room where Christina was taken. It triggered pain. I kept looking in the room where she had been, as if I might still see her, as if she might still be there. But no. The room was empty. All I could hear was the now-familiar question that ruminates in my mind: "WHY?"

When I was released, I went into the ER waiting room to text family members for a ride home. I peripherally noticed that I was alone in the waiting area except for a young man who, by his appearance, was a heavy metal fan. His multiple links of heavy chain jewelry and colored bandana reminded me of my own metal-head kids, but I was too self-absorbed to be concerned with his presence.

The TV was on in the waiting area but it was just a distant familiar noise of news that no one cares about featuring the usual issues of non-importance. Yet, a snippet of a story bled through to my awareness: An athlete claiming to be a Christian and boasting about his prayers to God to help him and his team win. I shook my head unconsciously to the athlete's arrogance and at the same time, the young metal-head said, "Well Hail Satan!" I was instantly charmed!

We both spontaneously recognized our mutually shared perspective on the news story - and perhaps on religion in general and faster than the speed of a sound byte, we shared our irritations with the common religious assumptions in our culture and we found ourselves in agreement with our conclusions about That Which is Unknown. He identified as a Taoist and talked about the paradox of the chaotic order in the world and in the Universe at large. While we differed in our chronological maturity, we were kindred spirit.

I thought about Christina. She would've LOVED this guy...a peer who, like Christina, still capitalized on shock value. I remembered the images I took from Christina's Facebook page of religious criticisms, observations, and humor, and I began to show them to this young man. He loved them, as I knew he would. I told him they were my taken from my daughter's Facebook page and he commented about how he'd like to meet my daughter. My joy quickly departed and I told him that she took her life just ten months ago. He too became solemnly quiet and expressed his condolences. I told him she was bipolar and struggled for many years with her internal emotional pain. I told him briefly about the brutal reality of having to help my son and son-in-law take her down from the beam from which she hung herself. And then, without saying a word, he pushed back his sleeves exposing multiple sights of self-injury and even a recent suicide attempt. My eyes met his and I told him, "I understand."

He said he was schizophrenic and that no medication has helped him so in an effort to self-medicate, he has turned to alcohol and now struggled with mental illness AND alcoholism. He confided that he has wrestled with suicidal ideation for a long, long time and even made several attempts. At other times, the desire was there, but the courage to follow through was not. He looked into the barrel of a gun - more than once - but lost his nerve. He had once written his farewell, gathered razor blades and filled a tub, but again could not follow through. Currently, his ideation involved stepping out in front of an oncoming semi or freight train.

I asked him if he had family or friends who loved him. He said he did. I asked him if he loved them. He said he did. So then I said, "All that spiritual stuff we just talked about...do you believe that our paths crossed today on accident?" He looked startled. "No, I don't. I believe everything happens for a reason." So I agreed with him. I said, as if I were thinking outloud, "So then, I wonder WHY...WHY would our paths cross? I'm grieving the suicidal death of my daughter, and you are here because of your emotional pain and desire to end your life. What are we supposed to learn from each other?"

He asked me if my Christina had family members and friends who loved her. "More than she ever imagined," I told him. I told him about Christina and Mary. I told him about her children. I told him that we will never be the same without her and that our pain will never go away. At best, we must simply learn how to live with the pain of losing her.

Silence.

Then I told him, "I know why our paths crossed. I am here to tell you this: I know your pain is great. Death would bring relief, for you. I know that. I understand. You would leave your pain behind. But it would be magnified and left for the ones who love you most to carry. I am asking you if you can promise me that you will reconsider and make a commitment to stay alive." He wasn't certain he could agree to that. I didn't expect him to be able to agree, really. "Ok," I said, "then will you consider this: IF you reach a point where you are determined to end your life, will you do it in such a way that your body will not be so damaged as to further increase the pain and trauma your loved ones will experience? They will want to - NEED to - see you, touch you, kiss you, hold you, one...last...time."

He gave me total eye contact and said, "I never thought of it like that before. I mean, I never thought about what would happen after I..." I told him I understood. I told him that I believed that the reason our paths crossed was so that I could beg him to stay, so that he could see what it is like for someone to lose a loved one by suicide...to expand his comprehension of the situation. "If I leave you with one thought," I told him, "it would be to NOT take your own life, in spite of the pain...and to never forget the pain you see in my eyes."

At that point, my ride arrived and I told him I had to leave. He asked my name and told me his. He put out his hand to shake. As I took his hand, I looked him in the eyes and said, "It was a pleasure to meet you. I thank the Universe for arranging this serendipitous moment. I will never forget you."

He said he would never forget either. I pray his memory lasts a lifetime...a very long lifetime of survival, recovery, and newfound happiness. Is that too much to ask, considering God apparently helps athletes and sports teams win, upon request??